It’s odd, the places angels show up.

It wasn’t a very good day.  In fact, I was bordering on a very depressed day, though I managed to do laundry and homework and other necessary chores, I was upset and frustrated and felt like my life was going nowhere and clearly everyone was right and I really am mentally ill.

I expressed my rather disgruntled feelings to God on my way down the road, explaining that I was annoyed with my life and felt like He should, perhaps, send me some friends so I don’t feel so alone. I’ll take ANYONE, I said.

Be careful what you pray for.

The needle on my gas gauge had been pointing to empty for quite some miles, so I pulled in at the local Kwik Fill in Horseheads, primarily because they pump for you.  There was only one car there, so I pulled up behind it and parked.  I handed the attendent my debit card and told him to fill it, regular.

The man in the jeep in front of me jumped out and started to walk back.  He was wearing dress pants and a tie, and a long, flowing dress coat, and, Oh, my God.

“Hey, you,” he grinned.

I started to laugh at the familiar face, and shook my head in disbelief.

Jeremy.

My crazy, wonderful cousin Jeremy, who can make me laugh and remind me that life is good no matter what’s going on.

I don’t know how long we talked in the snow, though I gave him a quick update on all the various twists and turns in my life, all of which made him laugh hysterically at the ridiculousness of it all.  That, and he reminded me that there is nothing that he, Dave, and the Honda of Love with the Russian machine gun mounted on top cannot fix.

“How did you know it was me?” I asked.
“Well, I saw the red blazer,” he said. “And then I saw the flowered seats, so I was looking for a dent–oh, there it is.”

And then, later on, I called George to tell him about how God sent me an angel named Jeremy(“I’m waiting for the punchline,” George said.), and he said, “Sara, seriously, you are the most alive person I know. Don’t ever lose that.”

I understand then the fundamental problem.  It is not a lack of vitamins or red blood cells, or a lack of sleep, or any of the other things I keep using as excuses.  The problem is that I keep sacrificing the best for the good.  I keep seeing something–like Americorps–that looks good, and doing that, instead of focusing on the best–which, for me, is what makes me come alive, and that is writing, and theater, and radio, and laughter, and hope.

I will finish my education program and get my certificate, but I’m going to do what I know I should do, and that is focus on English and theater.  And I’m going to find myself a stage someplace, and I’m going to come alive again.

And just in case I forget again, I’m posting some of my favorite quotes, so I can come back and back and back, if need be, to this post, and find myself here.

 

Do not ask yourself what the world needs.  Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and do that, for what the world needs most is people who have come alive. ~~Gil Bairre

Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, ‘This is the real me,’ and when you have found that attitude, follow it.
James Truslow Adams

Look, I don’t want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive.
Mel Brooks